22 Jul Jonny, Such a Good Boy Jonny

my dad taught me how to use the internet because sometimes he said he felt too lazy to scroll and he just wanted to sit and smoke cigarettes and drink beer and i would read out the answers in the threads he liked the sound of

if i stumbled on a word he’d box my ear real hard and it would get all swollen and red and i’d have to keep reading even though my vision would swim like the road does on a hot day

sometimes when he would leave the room to go and do a piss i would drink a gulp or two of beer from his can and it would taste warm and horrid like sawdust but i would do it anyway because it would make me feel older and then i would spend the rest of the day acting like a grown up

i would say things like have you done your taxes yet no neither have i or ask people where they have palalelt parked and then say things like fuck you get out my house my sons asleep have you people no diggumty

i tried a cigarette once but i only breathed in once and my dad came in and caught me and he said what the HELL do you think youre doing jonny dont you know those things can kill you

and then he made me sleep on the floor for a few days until he forgot why i was sleeping on the floor in the first place

but this is all beesides the point i am here because i need help with something

my dad is not scared off very much in fact i think he is the bravest man i have ever seen

or at least he is probably the strongest

but sometimes when he talks about my uncle

and he always calls him my uncle even though i know that he is also his brother

sometimes when he talks about my uncle he goes all pale and his eyes go wide and he shakes like i do if i’m really tired or if i am carrying something that is to hevvy for me

and recently maybe a week ago maybe more i do not know i am not very good with calendars

he said your uncle is coming over and then he got really panicky like a trapped rat and he said he had no choise and then he said he was sorry and sorry is not a word i have heard him say very much

and he started drinking more and not just beer but vottga and whisky and he would drink until he was sick like i was when he kicked me and then he would fall asleep but not completely asleep but halfasleep and he would say things in a funny voice

things like please dont dont do that and go away and sometimes he would grab me by the arm so hard it hurt and say things like if he comes you must not let him in do you understand you must not let him in

and so i didnt but i did not know when he would come or what he would look like

and my dad was always passed out on the sofa and he stank of sweat and vottka and so i would leave him because he does not like to be woken up

sometimes i would think i could hear something outside the house

something like someone running their hands along the walls and tapping the tips of their fingers against the windows and it would scare me so much i could not sleep

and the gravel on one side of the house would crunch like it does when someones walking on it

a few days went by like this and i mainly slept in the day in the corner of the room my dad was in even tho i knew that was probably a bad idea

and then i got too scared of even going upstairs because the house is old and makes these strange sounds at night which my dad says are just pipes SHUT UP just pipes

but i think sometimes that there are maybe imvisonable people walking up the halls because i can hear their footsteps

doors open and close to rooms i am not ment to go into that smell like herbs and incense and that are lit by candles like when the power goes out

and it was like that in the corner of the room with my dad in that i saw it for the first time

saw him for the first time

there somewhere in the garden between the branches was a man stood with his hands behind his back and a big yellow smile like he had eaten a whole can of yellow paint

his skin all grey and wet like he had been in the shower too long

and he just stood like that and watched me and i watched him

and my dad snored like a car engine

and this yellow smile ran his tongue over his teeth and then he was gone and there was a knocking at the door

a knock knock knock

a very impatient knock like they were desperate to get in like they were in a real rush or something

and i noticed then that my dad was not asleep but awake and his eyes were wide open and his blue shirt was stained at the pits and on the belly dark with sweat and his face looked half like he was crying half like he wanted to scream

and he was shaking and his mouth kept openin and closing like a fish

open close open close

but no noise was coming out like a fish makes no noise when it is on the pier it just flops and cant breathe

and then there was a voice from the door and it said

it said you owe me this george you owe me this just this little one

george is the name of my dad incase you are confused

and it was a scratchy voice like it wasnt used very often and i thought maybe their throat was like dry hay

and the knocking got faster

and my dad is saying no do not go to that door please just stay here stay with me

and the voice is saying george you remember dont you

you have to remember george i want what i am owed

and then there is silence

and then i can see it a face pressed against the window looking in looking straight at me like it appeared out of nowhere

its teeth are the colour of earwax or melted butter

and i jump out my skin and i am not embrassed but i think i peed a little bit when i saw it

and it goes and we sit in silence and my dad drinks a whole bottle of vottka and cries and says he is sorry

in the morning a nice lady comes over who brings us food sometimes and we hide all the bottles and cans because SOME THINGS SHOULD STAY PRIVATE son you will lern that when you are older

and i try and tell her about uncle but my dad grabs me and says jonny has been having nightmares

which i most certanlly have not becaus i havent actually been sleeping very much

and she looks at me all sad like you would look at a hurt pet and she says he doesnt know

and i say i dont know what

and she says the crash george the crash he is probably old enough to know he should know

and my dad says julie you need to shut the HELL up and she does and that is the end of that

and then she goes and we are alone again and my dad keeps talking to himself and says things like i knew this would happen i knew it i knew it and he smokes lots of cigarettes and puts them out on the walls which leaves lots of little black marks like ladybird spots

and sometimes he says things to me like you know sometimes i hated you for it hated you for being the one

or things like i had no choice it had to be you he was not a good man was never a good man

before i kno it night has come again and he is there at the window

uncle

but this time he is crying big sobs like he has stubbed his toe and his eyes are purple and bloodshot

he is weeping and somehow still smiling that big yellow smile and he is saying

jonny you must let me in your father is very sick he is very sick indeed he needs help

and my dad is doing that fish thing with his mouth

open close open close

and i am so scared my knees are knocking together

and uncle is pressing his face against the window now and opening his mouth and his tongue is the same colour as the bags under his eyes and he is saying let me in

let me in you little fucking brat let me in or ill slit you like a pig all up your chest and stomach

and then there is that knocking at the door again knock knock knock desperate and urgent like someone is dying to get in

and uncle’s voice is all small and girly now and he is saying please oh please jonny you must let me in your father is so sick and i have medicine

all high pitched and squeaky

jonny such a brave boy jonny let me in now or there will be HELL TO PAY let me in you fucking crettin or i will rip you open like your skin is wet tissue paper

and i dont move just hold my knees and bite my lip and hope to god that he goes away

and he does

but he says he will be back tomorrow and he will take what he is owed mark his words

and so that dear friends is why i am riting to you because i have nowhere else to turn and my dad is passed out and to drunk to stand let alone to help and i do not know if i can manage another night of this i am so scared i feel like my heart will burst

splat

i do not know what deal was made but i am going to try and find out

i have got a pan and a knife from a kitchen like a sword and a shield in case worse comes to the worse

but i am so scared really i know boys are not meant to say things like that but i am and i do not know what to do

because he will come back i know he will

and this is an old house and there are gaps and cracks everywhere and it is only so long before he finds a way to get in and then i do not know what will happen i do not know at all

all i know is that it is so bad that when i asked my dad what he meant he cried and held my head and i had not seen him cry that hard since mum died

i do not know where else to turn

and last night before uncle left

when he peered in thru the window and looked straight in my eyes

he winked

he winked like he knew something i didnt