19 May Kevin the Undead

Chapter 1

Kevin’s stomach rumbled loudly as he sat staring at the bank of black and white monitors in front of him.

“Dude… You hungry?”

He slowly turned to his coworker and replied. “Yes, Lucas. I am hungry. What could have possibly given you the clue?”

Lucas lit up in a smile, “Yo, dude, I’m not like a mind reader or nothin’. It was that massive growl. When my belly’s making noises like that, I’m either like super hungry, or I better be haulin’ balls to the bathroom, cause I’m about to…”

“Aaaaalllll rightyyyy!” Kevin interrupted loudly in his best game show host voice. “You got it on your first guess! Congratulations! You win a 15-minute break!”

“Right on!” Lucas laughed. “You’re a pretty cool dude, Kev. You’re weird as hell, but you’re all right. Oh, and hey, I’ve got some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in my locker that you can have if you want.”

“No, thanks, man. I can’t eat that stuff. I’m off in half an hour anyway.”

Working security on the night shift at Westfield Mall was mind-numbingly boring. Other than having to chase down the random idiot who thought it would be fun to try to spend the night in the mall after it closed, it stayed pretty quiet. He normally didn’t mind quiet. He preferred it, actually.

Tonight, was different. Tonight, he was itching to get out of here. He was feeling light-headed and queasy. He had waited too long to eat, and it was making his mind foggy. He felt angry and aggressive.

He saw movement on one of the monitors and glanced over to see Lucas waving his arms over his head in front of Bath and Body Works. He turned his back to the camera, bent over, and pulled his pants down giving Kevin a full moon.

“This is the thanks I get for letting you go on break?” Kevin mumbled, shaking his head.

He looked at his watch. 4:40. Twenty more minutes before he could go home. How could it have only been 10 minutes since he last checked? He was really going to have to be better about eating when he was supposed to. When he waited too long, he wasn’t as careful about what he ate.

And he needed to be careful.

When it was finally time to go, he went to the locker room and changed out of his uniform into a pair of jeans and a gray hoodie. He always parked at the very edge of the parking lot next to a wooded area with a jogging trail. He was getting ready to toss his backpack into his old Honda Civic when he was distracted by the smell of food. He shut the hatchback, tucked his hands into his pockets, and walked into the park.

His nostrils flared as he got closer to the source. He was buzzing inside, his senses on high alert. Looking out for anyone else who might be hanging around in the dark.

He was getting closer. The smell was overpowering. It made his mouth water.

He looked out into a small clearing, and there she was.

He paused and looked around.

They were alone.

She was balanced on one foot with her other leg bent at the knee against the back of her thigh, the top of her foot in her hand, pulling it into a stretch. She didn’t hear him coming until he was right behind her.

She quickly turned and gasped, putting her hand on her chest, “Oh my god! You startled me!”

He smiled and answered, “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, it’s ok. I know you didn’t mean to scare me.”

His smile dropped. “No. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m sorry for what I’m about to do.”

Her face changed as fear took over, and she turned to run, but he was on her before she could take her first step. He grabbed her from behind, holding her arms down to her sides with one arm, and covering her mouth with his other hand, his fingers pinching her nostrils closed as he dragged her into the bushes. She kicked and fought for a few moments, but Kevin was much stronger than he appeared to be, and he easily held her until she lost consciousness.

He pulled out his pocketknife, looked down at her, and said, “I really am sorry.” Then he sliced her throat open and began to drink.

Chapter 2

Fortunately, he only needed to feed every three weeks, four at the most. He was at three and a half this time, and he knew better than to wait so long, because when he was starving, he got careless like tonight.

Normally he went outside of his area to hunt, often going where the only people out an about at that time of night were up to no good. But when he smelled her on the way to his car, he lost control. He hated killing. He was overcome with guilt every single time, no matter whose life he took, so he put it off for as long as he could. All he could think about now was the woman’s family who would be looking for her, and how distraught they would be when they heard she was missing.

They would never know what happened to her. Her body would never be found. She would be among the missing who simply stayed gone.

He carried a folded duffel bag in his backpack, and once she was drained, he unzipped it, put her inside, hopped in his car, and drove to the crematorium where another vampire named Mateo worked nights.

Vampire.

He still felt stupid saying it, even after two years, but it was true.

Kevin was a vampire.

It sounded ridiculous.

He had been going through a pretty rough patch a couple of years back. He had lost his job and was living in his car scrounging for food wherever he could get it. One night he was dumpster diving behind an Outback Steakhouse and was chowing down on half a bloomin’ onion and wishing he had some sauce to dip it in when someone grabbed him by the back of his shirt and lifted him out like a dog picking up a puppy.

The stranger did exactly what Kevin did to that woman at the park, except he did it while Kevin was awake. He pulled his chin up, sliced his throat, and began drinking. The problem was that he got interrupted while he was draining him when someone came out of the back of the restaurant. So he rolled Kevin under the dumpster and bolted, and Kevin passed out. He woke up on the floor in a basement with the guy that attacked him staring daggers at him from the sofa.

“What the…?” Kevin mumbled. He was too weak to try to run, and he remembered how strong the guy was and knew it would be useless to try.

“Well, this is a mess,” the guy said.

“Are you going to kill me?” Kevin asked.

“Trust me, I want nothing more than to do just that, however, it is forbidden for me to do so. I had hoped that when I came back for you, you would be dead, and I could simply dispose of you. Much to my chagrin, you survived.”

“I am so sorry to disappoint you by not dying under a dumpster after you stabbed me in the neck.”

“I do not accept your apology. You have gone and fouled things up for me terribly,” he said, “Now I am responsible for you until you turn someone.”

“Dude! YOU stabbed ME! How is this my fault? And wait… Responsible? Turn? What in the hell are you talking about?”

The guy stood and came closer, giving Kevin a much better look at him. He was tall and fit with perfectly tousled blond hair, striking blue eyes, high cheekbones, and a jawline that could cut glass.

“My name is Volodar.”

“You mean like the guy from Harry Potter where they couldn’t say his name?”

He sneered, “It’s VO-LO-DAR, you cretin, not Voldemort. I am a vampire. Since I was unable to finish draining you, my saliva got into your bloodstream through the wound I made, and now you are becoming a vampire as well.”

Kevin was stunned. He had barely begun to process what Volodar said when his ears started ringing, and he could feel his heart flopping in his chest, then it stopped, and he collapsed like a rag doll. The next thing he knew, his muscles began tensing and releasing over and over, his movements completely beyond his control.

He looked like he was trying to breakdance to death metal.

Volodar sat back down and said, “You really shouldn’t fight it. It just makes it worse.”

This went on for what felt like an eternity, then his entire body did one last big seize that squeezed the air out of his lungs, his eyes rolled back in his head, and the world went black.

When he finally started coming around, he lay still for a few moments in the quiet. He felt cold, but not uncomfortable. He had been having back pain from sleeping in his car, and that was gone, and he could hear…everything. The ambient noise in the room was magnified. He opened his eyes.

Damn it. His vision was still blurry.

He reached into his mouth and began feeling around. He heard laughter and Volodar said, “We don’t grow fangs. That’s a myth.”

“Oh… I can hear way better than before. Why can’t I see?” Kevin asked.

“Your senses will be heightened, and you will be stronger, however, the shape of your eyes won’t change. You are still visually impaired. Flawed,” he sneered. “But at least it won’t get worse.” He reached over and handed Kevin his glasses.

“So… I look exactly the same?” he said as he put them on.

“Yes, and you always will. You can shave that ring of hair on your balding head and that hideous mustache. You can even try to work out to get rid of that pot belly and put some muscle on your scrawny arms, but when you wake from sleeping, you will be exactly as you were the day before.”

“You mean you looked like a runway model before you were turned?”

Volodar nodded, “I did. I am normal, but you will find that you are…unique among vampires. Most are chosen carefully because they are flawless human specimens. And then there is you…What is your name?”

“Kevin.”

“Kevin the Undead,” Volodar said. “My god. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more embarrassing.”

Chapter 3

When Kevin finally got home from work, he sat down at his computer, pulled up the Dungeons and Dragons chat room, typed: “Pam-ba-lam?” and waited.

Within seconds he saw, “Kevin! You’re late! I thought maybe you ghosted me.”

“Yeah. I had to stop on the way home to murder someone,” he said out loud to himself, but he typed, “I’m sorry. I had to stop on my way home and grab something to eat.”

It was not a lie.

“What did you have to eat?” She replied.

He hesitated as he tried to figure out how to word it.

“I’m on a juice cleanse,” he typed, “so I stopped for something freshly made.”

“How do you do that? I’d be starving!”

“Trust me,” he replied, “I was.”

“I legit don’t think I could ever do a juice cleanse. This girl’s gotta eat!”

Kevin smiled then typed, “You want to zoom tonight?”

“Is a pig’s ass pork?” she sent back, and he laughed out loud.

Her username in the chat room was Black Betty, and the first time he saw it, he typed in, “Whoa Black Betty…” She typed in a laughing emoji, and said her name was Pam, so he typed “Pam-ba-lam.” She sent three laughing emojis, and replied, “EXACTLY! I love that song!”

He was smitten from that moment. He didn’t even know what she looked like, but he didn’t care. She made him laugh, she was brilliant, and she liked the oldies. He was done for.

She had been asking to zoom with him, but he had been putting it off. He knew she wanted to take it further and meet him in person. She didn’t live very far away, so it would be easy to see her.

He wanted to see her. He wanted to spend a lot of time with her, maybe even all of his time, but he didn’t know how to do that when he was a monster. The last thing in the world he wanted to do was hurt her or make her think he was some kind of freak.

He WAS a freak.

Then a couple of days ago she sent a message that changed everything. She had gone in for an eye exam to get new glasses, and the doctor saw that one of her pupils wasn’t responding to light in a normal way. She went in for an MRI, and they diagnosed an inoperable brain tumor.

Pam was going to die and there was nothing the doctors could do for her.

But he could do something. If he turned her, her tumor would stop growing, and she would stop dying.

They could be together forever.

But what if he turned her and she was upset? What if she just wanted to live the rest of her life as normally as she possibly could, and him turning her into a monster would be devastating to her?

He couldn’t do it. He needed to find someone else. Volodar could wait.

His computer dinged, and he saw an email from her with a zoom invitation. He clicked on it, then it said, “Launch meeting.”

He clicked again.

Her window opened, and he was looking at Freddy Krueger. He could hear her muffled laugh, then she pulled off the mask.

Her mouth was wide open as she laughed, her eyes were crinkled up, she had one tooth that was just slightly crooked, and she had a dimple on her right cheek. Her brown curly hair was up in a messy bun, but when she pulled off the mask, some of the curls had escaped, and were standing proudly away from her head.

She was beautiful.

She put on her glasses and saw her hair in the video, and said, “Oh good lord! I didn’t really think that one through,” as she started to try to tame it.

He laughed again, and said, “No, leave it! I like it like that.”

She stopped laughing, and her face turned red. “It’s a mess,” she said quietly.

“Yes, it is,” he nodded. “I love it.”

They both just looked at each other for a few moments, then Pam’s eyes started welling up and she broke the silence.

“I normally wouldn’t be so bold but seeing as how I don’t have as much time as I would like to have,” she said as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I just want to say that if you don’t want to see me anymore, I understand. I know I’m complicated.”

“Complicated?” Kevin laughed. “Complicated is my middle name.”

“Kevin Complicated Phillips… That’s pretty.”

“Thank you. It certainly makes me feel pretty.”

She smiled and said, “You’re weird.”

“Says the woman who came to this call in a Freddy Krueger mask.”

“Touché… It’s OK. I like weird.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Then he paused for a moment and added, “I’m all in. Let’s take advantage of whatever time we have. It may be longer than you think.”

Pam held up both of her hands with her fingers crossed.

Chapter 4

“Do you ever think about going to Cinnabon to eat the cinnamon roll icing? Dude, I have to fight that urge every day.” Lucas said as he popped another dry Froot Loop into his mouth and washed it down with a swig of Red Bull.

Kevin just shook his head, and said, “No, Lucas. I can honestly say that I have never thought of doing….”

“Hey… Wait… did you see that?” Lucas interrupted as he leaned forward to get a better look at the video near the men’s bathroom next to Hot Topic. “There! Right there! I know I saw a shadow or something! Something moved, dude!”

“Yeah. I saw it too. I’ll go check it out.”

“No, man, it’s all good. I don’t mind.” Lucas said as he started to get up.

“NO!” Kevin yelled a little too forcefully. “I mean…no…it’s ok. I need to get up and stretch my legs. It’s probably just a glitch anyway. This equipment has been around since the Dead Sea was just sick.”

“Huh?”

“Take your time.”

Kevin walked out and got a few steps down the hallway as he counted, “One Mississippi…Two Mississippi…”  when he heard, “Dude!” followed by a laugh.

“Not bad, Lucas! You got it in two Mississippis,” he yelled as he walked away.

He knew exactly what was going on with the camera, and he did not need Lucas to find out about it.

He got to the bathroom pushed open the door and said, “How many times have I told you not to bother me at work, He Who Shall Not Be Named?”

Volodar stood leaning against the wall. He was dressed all in black with a leather jacket that reached his knees. He had silver rings on every finger, and pointy-toed, black cowboy boots.

“Has anyone ever told you that you look like a centerfold for Hot Goth Magazine?” Kevin asked.

“Has anyone ever told you that you look like Napoleon Dynamite’s brother, Kip?”

“Yeah, actually, I get that a lot. What do you want?”

“I want to know when you’re going to turn someone, and I want to know now. You’re cramping my style, Kevin. I’m here to give you an ultimatum. You have one week to get this done, or I’m choosing someone for you. Got it?”

“I’m working on it, OK? I had someone in mind, but it’s just kind of a weird thing to do, you know? It’s bad enough to have to kill people so I can live, but turning someone into… THIS? For eternity? That’s completely different.”

“I don’t care how you feel about it. Your feelings mean nothing to me. I need you to get this done, because as soon as it is, I have no obligation to you. Do you understand that? You’ve had months to do this! I’m sick of waiting for you!”

“Okay! Okay! I’ll figure something out!” Kevin stopped and sniffed, “Wait… do you smell garlic?”

Just then the bathroom stall at the back of the room burst open. The door hit the wall and bounced back hard, hitting something with a meaty thud. A man’s voice said, “OW! Holy crap!” They looked into the stall and there was a skinny guy with a mullet wearing an outfit oddly similar to Volodar’s. He had fallen and was wedged between the toilet and the wall, blood running down his face from the door hitting him in the nose. He scrambled to get up and stepped out of the stall.

“Get back! Get back, you savages! I am Dave, the vampire hunter!” he announced, with his hand on his nose, “Oh geez Louise, that hurts! I think it may be broken…” He pointed at Volodar, “I’ve been following you for days!” he yelled and ripped his jacket open revealing a necklace made out of garlic, then he unzipped his fanny pack, pulled out a crucifix, and thrust it out in front of him.

“Nice fanny pack,” Kevin said, “or would you call it a crotch pack since you’re wearing it in the front? Hey, Volodar, you should get one of those! Then you and Dave could be twinsies.”

“Volodar?” Dave said, “You mean like the guy from Harry Potter where they couldn’t say his name?”

“That’s EXACTLY what I said!” Kevin replied.

“SHUT UP!” Volodar bellowed. “JUST STOP TALKING, BOTH OF YOU! Did you really think that you could walk in here with garlic and a crucifix, and I would be powerless? What else have you got in that crotch pack? A wooden stake?”

“No… The wooden stake is strapped to my thigh.” Dave mumbled.

Volodar slowly turned his gaze to Kevin. “Kill him.”

“Really?” Kevin said. “Is your solution to every problem murder?”

“Yes. Yes, it is, you twat. That is literally my solution for every problem. I’m a vampire. A monster. That is what monsters do.”

“HA! I KNEW IT! I knew you were a vampire!” Dave yelled as he reached down to grab the stake. “Prepare to…”

Volodar walked over, grabbed him by the shoulders, spun him around, and holding Dave’s back close to his chest, he grasped his chin in one hand, the back of his head with the other, and twisted. Dave’s neck made a sickening crack, and he went limp. He picked him up and laid him across the row of sinks, then reached into his pocket for his knife.

Kevin yelled, “This is why I don’t want to turn anyone! This, right here! Do you not see how completely messed up this is? I wish you had just finished the job with me!”

“Do you think I don’t regret not finishing you off? I think about it every day! You are my punishment! You are a millstone around my neck! I made an error with you, but if I killed you after you started turning, I would have been put to death. We can’t kill each other, or you would have been dead that night!” Volodar raged. “You have one week. ONE WEEK. If I have to come to you, I will come to you with the victim of my choosing, and I will force it upon you.”

“Maybe I should just let you do it! I should just let you choose!”

“I know where your niece lives.”

Kevin’s mouth dropped open. His niece. His sister’s only child, Emma.

“How did you…?”

Volodar smiled. “Do I make myself clear?”

“Volodar… please…”

“DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”

“Crystal.”

“Good. Now get the hell out of my sight so I can finish him while his heart is still beating.”

Chapter 5

Kevin felt sick. He had disappeared from his sister Katy’s life to protect her. He didn’t even call or text her in order to keep her and Emma safe. She probably thought he was dead, and he thought that was best. They were the only family he had, and he couldn’t let anything happen to her. She had suffered enough with the loss of their parents in a car accident while they were in high school. She didn’t deserve what he knew Volodar was willing to put her through. He was more than capable. He would enjoy it.

Kevin had no choice.

He pulled out his phone and brought up Pam’s text thread, typing in, “Hey, Pam-ba-lam. Dinner at my place tonight?”

He received a response almost immediately, “Hey, Kevin Complicated! Dinner sounds swell.”

“I’ll pick you up at 8,” he texted back.

“Perfect! What should I bring?”

“Just your beautiful self.”

She texted her address and a heart emoji.

He stared at the heart for a moment, then he sent one back and tucked his phone into his pocket.

“I really am a monster,” he said quietly to himself.

Chapter 6

Kevin stood on the porch of the small house trying to work up the courage to knock on the door. He finally raised his hand into a fist and banged three times. His knocking was rewarded with the yapping of a small dog.

“Winky!” a woman’s voice yelled, “Hush! Stop!”

But Winky was on a roll, and he was not about to stop now.

“Hang on!”

He waited until she opened the door.

“I’m so sorry! I’ve never seen him this upset,” she said as she opened the door with the dog in her arms still freaking out and struggling to get to Kevin. He was all fur, teeth, and slobber, and he only had one eye.

“Winky looks like a very angry dust mop,” he said.

Her face fell, and she blinked hard a couple of times. “Kev?”

“Hi, sis.”

“Kevin?”

“Yeah. It’s me.”

She slammed the door in his face, and he heard the barking getting further away, then he heard a door slam inside, and the front door opened again without Winky.

Katy stood staring for a moment, then she reached out to touch his shoulder. “I thought you were dead.”

“I figured.”

“You ASSHOLE!” she screamed as she started crying and hitting him. He stood there and took it. He deserved it. He deserved worse, actually.

She finally stopped and pulled him into a hug, weeping into his shoulder, then she pulled back and grabbed his upper arms with both hands.

“Where have you been? What happened to you?”

“A lot, Katy. A lot has happened to me. Too much to tell you right now.”

“No. No, no, no, I need answers…”

He interrupted, “Listen to me! Listen! This is very important, sis. I’m serious.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope full of money that he had been saving.

“What? What is this?” she asked opening the envelope and examining its contents.

“You need to take Emma and leave for a few days.”

“Leave? What are you talking about? You think you can just show up here after over two years of me thinking you’re dead, and tell me what to do with no explanation?”

“Yes, Katy. That is EXACTLY what I expect. You and Emma are in danger, and I can’t tell you any more than that right now. You need to GO.”

“What have you done, Kev? What have you gotten yourself into?”

“Mom?” a small voice said, “what’s going on?”

Emma peeked around from behind Katy, and Kevin went to his knees.

“Emma?”

She nodded.

“You’ve grown so much…” he said, “you look just like your mama when she was your age.”

Katy pulled Emma in front of her and said, “This is your Uncle Kevin.”

“Uncle Kevin?” she said, tilting her head to the side looking confused, “You’re supposed to be dead.”

He burst out laughing. “That is the absolute truth, kiddo.”

He was still kneeling down, and she walked over and hugged him.

“Mom talks about you all the time. I have a picture of you in my room, because she didn’t want me to forget you.”

Kevin hadn’t cried in years, and could no longer make tears, but he felt the grief of lost time with his family like he had never felt it before as he held his niece.

“I was just telling your mom that she needed to take you on a vacation. Would you like that?”

“A vacation! Oh Mom! Can we? Can we please!”

Katy nodded her head and said, “Yeah, sweetie. We can. Why don’t you go start packing, OK?”

Emma turned and ran down the hall. When she was out of earshot, Katy said, “Kevin… I’m scared.”

He nodded his head.

“Good. You should be scared. There truly are monsters in this world.”

He was walking back to his car when she called, “Kevin!”

He looked back and she said, “If you disappear on me again, I will look for you, I will find you…”

“Settle down, Liam Neeson. My phone number is in the envelope with the cash.”

Chapter 7

Pam sat across the table from him. He had ordered dinner for her, and now he sat and watched her through candlelight.

“I feel weird eating this while you watch. Are you sure you can’t cheat a little with your juice cleanse and have a bite or two?”

“No, I’m sorry. I honestly can’t. You want me to turn around?” he said as he spun around and faced the other direction.

“Oh, that’s so much better! That’s not awkward at all!” She picked up a forkful of lasagna and put it in her mouth. “Mmmmm… Kevin… this is the best lasagna I’ve ever tasted! If this is the last thing I ever eat, I can die a happy woman.”

He was unable to control his reaction, and she saw the change on his face.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know it’s weird for me to talk about dying.”

“No, Pam. It’s absolutely OK for you to talk about it. You can talk to me about anything.”

She took a drink of wine and said, “You know what sucks?”

“When people don’t put their shopping cart in the cart corral when they’re finished using them?”

“Well, yes, that does suck, but…”

“When people talk on speaker phone while they sit in a restaurant?”

“Yes, that too, but…”

“When you’re walking down the sidewalk, and there’s a group of people walking in front of you, and they’re taking up the entire thing, and…”

“KEVIN! Stop!” she laughed, “I’m serious! It sucks that I’ve been alone and healthy for my entire life, and now I’ve found you and I’m dying. I would give anything to grow old with you,” she said as she took another drink of wine.

“Anything?” he whispered.

“Yes…” she slurred. “Anything… I think I… Whew… This wine must be really strong… It’s going straight to my head… feel… woozy…”

He walked over to her and said, “Come on. I’ll help you lie down. I’ve given you something to make you sleep. It will make the rest of this easier for you.”

She tried to stand, and her knees buckled, but he easily swept her up and carried her to the bed, where he laid her down, kissed her forehead, pulled out his pocketknife, and began the process of turning her into a vampire.

It was horrific watching her body go through what he remembered going through, and he was grateful she was unaware of what was happening. After hours of watching the process, she was finally still, and he knew it was done.

He heard a knock at the door, and he opened it already knowing who it was.

“What do you want?”

“Your sister is gone, and I wanted to make sure that you were actually going through with this, and not trying to sneak away.”

“It’s done, Volodar.”

He pushed past Kevin and went to the bedroom. He saw Pam on the bed and shook his head in disappointment.

“She’s so… ordinary.”

Kevin pulled back his fist and punched Volodar in the face so hard it knocked him to the floor. It was the first time he had ever seen him look scared.

“Get out of my home, and don’t ever bother me or my family again, because I swear, Volodar, I will kill you. I don’t care what happens to me. I would gladly die for Pam and my sister and Emma.”

“You are a terrible monster,” Volodar said, getting up off the floor and rubbing his jaw as he walked out the door.

“Thank you,” he answered. “I never want to see you again. Do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal.”

And Kevin slammed the door.

He heard Pam moving in the bedroom, and when he walked in, she was sitting in the middle of the bed looking confused.

“Kevin? What happened to me? I feel… weird… my headache is gone.”

“It’s a very long story, Pam-ba-lam,” he answered, “but we have all the time in the world for me to tell you.”

And he gently helped her put her glasses on.