02 Dec Milton’s Movie Reviews

Posted at 11:00h in Strange and Unexplained by CreepypastaStories.com 0 Comments

📅 Published on December 2, 2020

“Milton’s Movie Reviews”

Written by Nick Carlson
Edited by Craig Groshek
Thumbnail Art by Craig Groshek
Narrated by N/A

Copyright Statement: Unless explicitly stated, all stories published on CreepypastaStories.com are the property of (and under copyright to) their respective authors, and may not be narrated or performed, adapted to film, television or audio mediums, republished in a print or electronic book, reposted on any other website, blog, or online platform, or otherwise monetized without the express written consent of its author(s).

🎧 Available Audio Adaptations: None Available

⏰ ESTIMATED READING TIME — 16 minutes

Rating: 10.00/10. From 2 votes.

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Hey-o! What’s good everybody? This is Milton, with Milton’s Movie Reviews. Before we get into today’s crazy flick, I’d like to thank today’s sponsor, Raid: Shadow Legends – the free online RPG that’s sweeping our screens worldwide. You can campaign with your friends to embark on dangerous missions and take down unbelievable bosses. Sign up with the exclusive top-secret code, “MILTON,” that’s M-I-L-T-O-N, and you can not only receive a piece of ultra-rare armor, but you can also join my clan, Team Miltonius. Hurry, this offer expires in a week! That’s Raid: Shadow Legends. Don’t forget it!

Now, onto today’s crazy flick! Today I reviewed “The Workday,” a slice-of-life comedy/drama about an unassuming barista’s typical day. I found the central protagonist, Maurice, to be an incredibly relatable and upstanding character. I’ve always said that acting is reacting, and let me tell you, this actor does a bang-up good job at it! Everything was perfect – watching this movie I really felt like I was walking along with him to the Starbucks where he works. The friendly tune he whistles is certainly one to get stuck in your head! Great soundtrack, stellar composer.

Let’s talk about the other main character in this flick: the antagonist, Karen. Let me tell you, this actress is also amazing; watching her really makes you hate her character. Karen orders a venti half-vanilla-swirl frappuccino with whipped cream on the bottom, and the fuss she throws when Maurice can’t get her order exactly right was so convincing I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle her myself. If this woman isn’t nominated for an Oscar for this performance then I swear I’ll disavow the Academy Awards for good. Then again, the Academy hates horror, so it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise if she’s overlooked. Ha! Good one, right?

Anyway, watching this film gave me such an impression of realism that I felt disconnected from reality itself, and I’m sure you will too! It wasn’t overly dramatic, yet there was a setup, there were stakes, and in the end, a good payoff – in the form of a payday, since Maurice got his check right before the Starbucks closed. This director really knows what he’s doing, and I’m amazed at his ability to take the mundane and turn it into something not only watchable, but enjoyable!

I give this movie a 9/10, that is a strong recommendation. Alright, friends, see you all next time for next week’s crazy flick! Milton, out!

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Hey-o! What’s good everybody? This is Milton, with Milton’s Movie Reviews. Today I’d like to thank our loyal sponsor Raid: Shadow Legends. You’ve heard me go off about this game for weeks at this point but let me just point out that despite last week’s generous offer, only one of my viewers joined Team Miltonius, and I think it might have been my mother. I know she watches the show, but then again I don’t think she knows how to use her tablet for much else. Ha ha – sorry Mom. Anyway, the other thing I wanted to say is that the microtransactions in the game really aren’t that bad. They help you complete quests and level up faster – I should know! I spent so much on this game at once I was able to beat it in about half an hour! The satisfaction of a job well done – what have you got to lose? That’s Raid: Shadow Legends. Don’t forget it!

Now, onto today’s crazy flick! Let me tell you, I’ve been really getting into these indie films lately. My distaste for big-budget, unrealistic, uninspired superhero flicks, and reboots that have been through the wash more than a baby’s spit-up blanket, just seems to fester and grow inside me like mold on my shower curtains. I like my slice-of-life stories with ordinary protagonists and feasible scenarios. I want to be challenged, but I don’t want to be overwhelmed or robbed of my suspension of disbelief. And that’s exactly what this film, “Sidewalk Blues,” ended up delivering.

It’s another simple story: our protagonist is taking a walk through the park when he sees a child drop his ice cream cone onto the pavement. Naturally the child starts crying, and his formidable mother – again, another great actress here – disciplines him with harsh words and scolding fingers in his face. What this actress does with her vocal performance is truly something to be commended – even I, watching from behind a screen, felt years of frustration and impatience with her child reverberate in each syllable of every word. And normally I shit on child actors on this show, I don’t think a lot of them are that good – but damn, this kid really knows how to cry! No glycerin tears here! That’s actual redness in his cheeks!

Another thing I don’t normally do here, but kudos to the extras, how they just kinda milled on by, shooting the mother and child looks that range from curious to affronted to morbidly amused. None of this melodramatic “stopping to see what happened” B.S you see in hackneyed, over-produced studio films…everyone here is in the moment, acting by reacting. That’s another sign of a good director, when you can direct your extras to the point of perfection.

I’m really enjoying these little movies; although if the sound of children crying gets on your nerves, this one might not appeal to you as much as “The Workday.” However, this scene doesn’t linger for too long, and the protagonist moves on to finish his day. Not as good as “The Workday,” but still a fascinating snapshot of a day in a life. I give this movie a 7/10, that’s a recommendation right there. Alright, friends, see you all next time for next week’s crazy flick! Milton, out!

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What’s good everybody? Milton here. Now, before we get to the review, I’d like to introduce a brand-new sponsor: B-1 Imports, a brilliant new service where you can import various items at unbeatable prices. Simply use the exclusive top-secret code “MILTON,” that’s M-I-L-T-O-N, to unlock, uh, to unlock cool new benefits. These guys are great, they jumped right in to support the show, just go and, well, go and check out B-1 Imports, now onto the review.

The thing about indie films is that they’re not afraid to show you the ugly side of life. That’s the tradeoff you get when you break your addiction to big-budget schlock: you substitute fake emotions for genuine discomfort and tragedy. In today’s film, “The Unspeakable,” our protagonist witnesses a pet dog get run over by a truck. A trigger warning is to follow: this is not a movie for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. The director really wants to hammer you over the head with how horrible this situation is. It’s no small dog and the truck isn’t huge, so the impact is very messy. You can actually see the dog’s dislocated ribs poking out its sides, its eyes are bloodshot and its tongue flutters, still panting with the effort to draw in breaths of life. And there’s so much blood; watching this movie made me question how much blood is really in our bodies. There’s red tire tracks skidding twenty feet down the road, that glisten convincingly in the sun. This is a movie you don’t just watch. You can almost smell it. It smells of iron and dogshit and burgeoning nightmares.

Let me tell you, another winning performance from an actress. This one, unlike the lead females from our last two films, is a lively and vivacious young starlet, the spitting image of Tippi Hedren, and she gives a knockout performance – you actually believe her own dog got run over by that truck. More real tears here. Another thing the director gets right is that crying isn’t supposed to be a beautiful thing – this actress actually slumps to the ground, curled up, rocking in a puddle of her own tears. Her makeup runs. Her clothes get all dirty. Her vocal performance is grating and throaty, really coming from the heart. Like, she looks pretty, but she sounds hideous. That’s where the soul’s at! I’m constantly amazed at how much hidden talent is in these obscure little indie films. I can’t recall her name at the moment, but rest assured I’ll be actively seeking out her other work. I’m simply smitten.

Now, what did I actually think of this film? I’m going to be honest with you…I hate it when animals die in movies. I can’t stand it. If I weren’t reviewing this movie I’d have turned it off at that point. You can show me any human getting flayed, butchered, massacred in all manners of spine-chilling ways, I do not give two flying f’s, but when the dog dies? I’m sorry, you just lose me, man. This film is not for everyone, unless you’re into that sort of depraved smut. Sorry, do not recommend. I give it dead dog out of ten. Milton, out.

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Hey everyone. This isn’t a review, just a little update on the drama that’s popped up since last week. Someone, probably a troll, not one of my fans, alleged that B-1 Imports was not a legitimate service and that their website had been defunct since 2005 or something like that. Anyway, whoever they were issued a raid against my channel, and as you can see, all my videos have been flooded with dislikes and hateful comments, probably from his own legions of trolls. Some of them have even been reported and ultimately removed by YouTube for supposedly “promoting disturbing or graphic content.” You may have noticed my film reviews of “The Septic Tank,” and “What’s Inside Jeffrey Gray,” are gone from the channel. I mean, the nerve of these trolls, and shame on YouTube for clearly ignoring the nature of the content I produce. I will be filing counterclaims, that’s for darn sure.

But, as much as I find this behavior despicable and detrimental to content creators such as myself, I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest with you. B-1 Imports is indeed not a legitimate service. They don’t exist. I was acting like I still had a sponsor, because our previous sponsor, Raid: Shadow Legends, pulled their advertisements from Milton’s Movie Reviews. I won’t get into specifics, but they said something about how I did not give a “proper endorsement” in the “Sidewalk Blues” review. The thing is, I don’t understand what they didn’t like about it; I was completely honest, I even told you all to play the game! As disappointed as I am that they dumped me, I’m more disappointed for them, that they didn’t realize what they had and tried giving me a second chance. Their loss, as far as I’m concerned. You all know what an upstanding personality I am, all I do for this channel and others and whatnot. I’m not too upset though. Another sponsor will show up, and Milton’s Movie Reviews will get back on track. I love you all, see you all next time for our next crazy flick. Milton, out.

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Hey-o! What’s good everybody? This is Milton, with Milton’s Movie Reviews. Sorry for the long hiatus, I’ve been reevaluating the future of this channel, as well as dealing with my asshole of a landlord. I mean, what an outdated term, “landlord,” “lord of land,” as if “owning land” has any lick of moral or legal justification behind it, right? Anyway, I’ve set up a Patreon for Milton’s Movie Reviews. All it takes from you, my loyal fans, is a few dollars a day to keep this show running. I love you all.

Now, let’s get onto the review. You know, romance has kind of a bad rap among us cinephiles. They’re often criticized as being schmaltzy, unrealistic, and with visual styles indistinguishable from fast food commercials. For the most part, I tend to agree. I can’t stand such cheap, manipulative, dishonest garbage being forced through my eyeballs. Tickets are overpriced as they are, I shouldn’t have to splurge for something like that. But hear me out, my friends: I’m about to break convention here. That’s right, Milton is about to praise a romance film. Gasp you may, but breaking convention is what we do on this channel, and if you don’t like it, then you go watch Chris Stuckmann or something because you’re just not ready for my kind of content.

This film, by another acclaimed director, is called “A Promise,” and it’s an indie coming-of-age romantic drama about our headstrong hero, Montague, falling for a beautiful woman who is unaware of his longing eye. Now the first thing you might realize is that this is the second film in a row to star our Tippi Hedren lookalike, who also starred in “The Unspeakable.” And while I did say I would be seeking out her other work, I promise she’s not the only reason I’m reviewing this movie. I legitimately found this film to be a gripping, relatable, and surprisingly touching representation of how “real” romance is supposed to bloom. Montague works a dead-end job at a coffee shop, but the tides turn in his favor when the aforementioned beautiful woman drifts in, looking for a latte and alone time. Montague happily fills her order, then unbeknownst to her, watches as she sips her drink, her chocolate brown eyes brimming with as much warmth as the cup in her hands. Just like those old Greek myths, she’s a lonely body looking for her other half. Her gaze may wander far beyond the confines of the coffee shop, but little does she know the one she wants is mere yards away, already hers in his eyes.

And then she just gets up and leaves! Damn! What a cliffhanger, no happy endings here! The guy may not have gotten the girl, but he might! That’s how life is supposed to work, that right there is real love! I absolutely cannot overstate the praises I give to this director, and to this actress. What an unbelievable experience.

And yet you may be surprised to find I’m only giving it an 8/10. Why? Well, there’s some kind of bizarre meta in-joke that crops up throughout this movie, mainly in the beginning when Montague is walking to work. Plastered everywhere are “Missing” posters of the “Karen” character from my “The Workday” review. The truly strange thing, however, is that she’s not referred to as her character name, but rather the actual actress’s name, “Beatrice Stephenson” I think it was. That kind of esoteric humor is not unheard of in indie films, but if you go too far in trying to blend the real world with the cinematic one, then it kinda takes you out of the experience. So yeah, 8/10, if you can get past that sort of stuff. Definite recommendation. Alright, friends, see you all next time for next week’s crazy flick! Milton, out!

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Okay, everyone, come on. Like…seriously? The price of one bean burrito from Taco Bell per day, that’s all I ask of you all. You know how much I got in donations all this week? Three bucks. Three measly buckaroos, and I’m pretty sure it all came from you again, Mom. No jokes this time, I’m actually calling you out on this. All that insurance money you have stuffed under your mattress, and all you could spare me was three bucks? Absolutely absurd. …I’m gonna come clean to you all, I am struggling. My rent’s overdue, my landlord is hovering over my shoulder like some two-bit voyeurist filmmaker, and I haven’t heard a peep from potential sponsors in weeks. Please, please, if you want Milton’s Movie Reviews to continue putting out regular content to this degree of quality, donate to my Patreon. Because in this current year, my only other option for quick cash is Onlyfans, and believe me, I think I’d somehow lose money if I tried selling my junk on that app. I don’t want it to come to that. You don’t want it to come to that.

Anyway, due to this week’s budgetary constraints, today’s review is going to be on the shorter side. When I saw the title to this film, “Sidewalk Reds,” I wondered how much similarity it would bear to “Sidewalk Blues.” And as it turns out it’s a spin-off by the same director…same setting, same characters even, just a different story, only vaguely connected to the events in “Sidewalk Blues.” The same kid from “Sidewalk Blues” is in the park again, sans ice cream, now equipped with a handful of pebbles that he’s throwing at a poor baby squirrel on the ground.

In a run-of-the-mill horror film this might be seen as evidence of the kid’s eventual growth into a slasher killer. Not so, this director’s too good for that. Instead, the director makes two very bold choices: one, the protagonist recognizes that this is just childlike innocence gone awry; the kid doesn’t really know what he’s doing is “wrong,” he’s too young to make that distinction. Second, instead of the child becoming a psycho killer, he actually dies right there on the sidewalk in that moment. There’s this really crazy edit where we start out on a wide shot, establishing that no adults are around to see anything. It then moves to a dolly zoom, closing in right on the kid’s head, and then BAM, we smash-cut to the kid’s body on the pavement, his limbs twitching like electrocuted frog legs, his skull basically nothing more than half a watermelon splattered all over the walk. I think some blood even got on the camera lens. I love little fourth wall breaks like that, a little reward for those really paying attention.

This edit is extraordinary, I truly think it’s gonna go down as a modern movie moment; like, fifty years from now it’ll be on WatchMojo’s Top Ten Classic Movie Moments list or something like that. What radical direction. What daring stylistic choices. I only wish the camera held on the kid’s corpse for a moment longer, to really let the beautiful horror of the scene set in. The script could have used a cleanup or something, because the protagonist kind of buggers off outta there real quick and ends up somewhere else entirely unrelated.

Despite all that, though, I’m giving this movie a 10/10. This is a film you cannot afford to miss, if you love the art of cinema, and art in general. This is the first 10/10 I’ve given out in a while, that’s how you know it’s a killer. Alright, friends, see you all next time for next week’s crazy flick! Milton, out!

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Hello. What is good, everybody. Milton here, with Milton’s Movie Reviews. I am pleased to present our newest sponsor, a dietary supplement called Concerta. Let me tell you, folks, a few dozen milligrams of this stuff per day, and you will come out a much better person. I am seeing things much more clearly. My finances are no longer bothering me. My landlord is now just white noise, so easy to ignore. He may yell and froth and spit for his rent, but all I feel for the man is pity. Pity that he has not indulged in this miracle the way I have. Concerta, find it at your local pharmacy or alleyway. Open your eyes to a new way of living.

Onto this week’s review. I can tell you it’s coincidence until I’m blue in the face but this here is yet another film starring our favorite actress, Tippi Hedren 2. Called “The Long Walk Home,” it features our protagonist Melvin accompanying his beautiful crush back to his apartment after a successful date. In medias res is a fundamental term used in filmmaking and storytelling in general; we open on the two in the middle of the action, walking through the streetlights after the date actually takes place. Watching this you can tell the date went, well, just alright. They’re comfortable with each other, but there’s no spark there…yet.

Great performances by these actors, especially Tippi 2, you actually believe she’s not reciprocating the feelings he has for her. This is very evident in how the director chooses to frame each shot; the camera flits and lingers about her ruby lips, her curvy endowments, her glittery golden hair. Melvin, by contrast, does not receive much attention from the camera…in fact, I don’t recall a single shot where he’s even in frame. It’s all her. It’s all about her, about making sure she’s having a good time. More genius directing right here.

It’s near the end of the film where things get a bit strange. For instance, it may have been because it was dark, but I thought I saw another Beatrice Stephenson poster taped to a telephone pole. This is the third film this actress has appeared in, again referred to by her real name, and with all different directors, which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of secret indie director cabal I’m unaware of. But that isn’t the really strange part. Melvin stops to get something out of his truck, and Tippi 2 just kind of…freezes. She stops and stares, her mouth open in what looks like recognition, as if Melvin’s truck looks horribly familiar to her. Again, I have no idea what the director’s intent here is, as this is clearly a different film with what’s supposed to be different characters. It had to be coincidence, that Melvin’s truck in “The Long Walk Home” was the same make and model featured in “The Unspeakable.” But why this actress would portray her character in “The Long Walk Home” as if she were her character in “The Unspeakable” in reaction to this truck, I’m sure I don’t know.

Really strange, nonsensical writing. That alone really took me out of the movie. In-jokes can be funny but this here is a clear-cut example of going a step too far.

The film’s only saving grace is the very ending where Tippi 2 runs away crying from the parking garage, leaving Melvin alone and confused once more. Again, this is what love is, it’s full of heartbreak and ugliness, just like real life. But this one got to me, somehow, as a viewer. Underneath the detached, glassy exterior of a moviegoer staring at a screen, this awakened something in me, like some long-suppressed desire to lash out, to reap, to feed.

I don’t think I’d recommend this movie. I give it a 5/10. See it only if you have nothing better to do with your life. Milton, out.

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God, fuck this movie! I’m not even gonna grace it with my introduction! Fuck, this, movie! It doesn’t deserve your ticket, it doesn’t deserve your time, it’s not worthy of the cellulose it’s printed on! Christ, how is anyone supposed to enjoy this?! How is any moviegoer, from casual to passionate, supposed to take anything of value?! Who wants to watch the protagonist wander through the streets, homeless and dirty and cold and stinking, just to suffer with no end? Fuck realism, man, fuck the relatable scenarios, the subtle drama, everything! Our hero had something and he just lost it! He had love, and now it’s gone! And how are you supposed to see anything with all those black demons flying through the frame? They’re relentless! And what the fuck is up with that soundtrack? Whispers, constant whispers, just telling the protagonist over and over again, to cut the film, cut the film? The one iota of credit I can give this piece of shit film is that it at least ends somewhere, with the protagonist following a woman into her apartment. I wanted to know what happens next, but no, the film just cuts to black right there! You know what, I think I’m done with these pompous, inaccessible, too-smart-for-you indie films for a while. They’re driving me up the fucking wall. Don’t see this movie. I give it fuck you out of ten, the lowest score in the history of this channel. Milton is out, out of his goddamn mind! Shit!!

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Hey-o! What’s good everybody? This is Milton, with Milton’s Movie Reviews. And today’s sponsor is another newcomer, Begone Compressed Air! Begone is perfect for any of your household pleasantries – your computer, your game consoles, your nasal passages, anything that needs to get all that redundant crap cleared out. Breathe easy and think clearly with Begone Compressed Air. It’s a blast!

As I promised in last week’s video, today we’ll be doing something a little different, reviewing an expository documentary called “The Human Body.” In it, the camera adopts a first-person point of view of a vivisection on a human corpse. This is definitely not a movie for the kids, as there’s a lot of probing and feeling around the cadaver’s various, well, delicate parts, before the knife actually goes in. Let me tell you, despite what you saw in your high school biology textbooks, nothing can prepare you for what’s actually inside us. All those meaty bunches, those interconnected tubes, those pressurized liquids, fit perfectly together inside that little body with a sublime finesse not even a jigsaw puzzle could match. It was fascinating to see how one thing led to another, how fluids emptied into cavities, how muscles caressed bones and bones embraced entrails.

I have a feeling the camera operator was a bit amateurish, however, because he also tried his hand at neurosurgery, and I don’t think most trained doctors use monkey wrenches to crack open the skull to get to the frontal lobe. I still don’t have a clear picture of what an intact human brain is supposed to look like, that’s probably this documentary’s only flaw. But wow, this documentary really hit the nail on the head in showing us the beauty of the human body. And I mean that as a double entendre, as the cadaver in life was undoubtedly very beautiful; she reminded me of the renowned Hollywood actress Tippi Hedren.

Solid, solid doc, I give it an 8/10, and I’ll see you all next time for next week’s crazy flick.

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Milton here. I don’t like this movie very much. The injections make me forget what I just saw onscreen, and there’s little blue bumps on my arms whenever it happens. Everything just seems to…swim. The audio track is poorly mixed, there’s dialogue where there shouldn’t be. The characters are boring and unlikable. Everything tastes like cardboard: the food, the walls, the clothes, the skin. Just…a bland, boring, unspecial, incoherent, cinematic dumpster heap.

And yet, I can’t stop watching. I don’t think I will.

I don’t think this director’s really good, not as good as the other ones I’ve reviewed. But he sure has a knack of sucking you in…and keeping you there.

Milton, out.